So far you have been on quite the journey! Earlier, we learned that trauma has a way of throwing everything off balance, including our thoughts, our feelings, our behaviors, and our relationships. Since trauma by definition represents an extreme situation, trauma sends each of these areas of our lives into extreme positions. For example, in order to deal with trauma as it’s happening, we learn to both over-feel / under-feel, both over-think / under-think, and both over-act / under-act relative to our normal baseline. The entire purpose of DBT is to restore balance in each of these areas.  

We learned the concept of mindfulness, which we defined as “paying attention, on purpose, in the present, without judging” (Siegel, 2007). Next we learned the magic formula of applied mindfulness: awareness, acceptance, action. Action without awareness or acceptance is pretty much mindless reaction…and we don’t always make the best decisions when we just react! However, the more we can increase our awareness and acceptance of life, the better we become at taking action more effectively. In this chapter, we specifically learned to become more mindful of thoughts, feelings, needs, and goals.

We learned that awareness, acceptance, and action do not just happen overnight. All three skills require lots of practice and tend to unfold in stages. We also learned that our “blind spots” are the first and biggest barriers to awareness, acceptance, and action. When we have blind spots, we are not aware, we do not accept, and we do not take appropriate action. In this chapter, we learned practical tips to break through our blind spots in order to reach greater levels of awareness / acceptance / action. However, sometimes we also need the help of an honest but supportive friend, mentor, or counselor to point out our blind spots so that we do not stay stuck in unhealthy patterns.

We learned that fight, flight, and freeze is a great way of dealing with danger or crisis—but not such a great way of dealing with the rest of life. That’s why we learned Extreme Acceptance as well as many specific coping skills to provide our brains with other options. As we learned, effective coping is all about learning to “survive the moment without it making it worse.” Coping skills are designed to be short-term interventions to help us deal with intense triggers, stressors, urges, or cravings. They are also designed to replace other forms of (ineffective) coping, such as drugs and self-harm. In short, coping skills are designed to be efficient ways of restoring us to the Balanced Mind whenever life knocks us off balance. 

We learned specific ways of using the Balanced Mind to restore balance to both our thoughts and feelings. In chapter four, we learned to identify unbalanced thoughts through the acronym ANT’s (Automatic Negative Thoughts). In addition, we learned to balance these ANT’s by working the TOM (thought, opposite, middle) and playing the DS (dialectical synonyms). In Chapter five, we learned to balance our emotions by taking care of our bodies, eliminating myths, checking the facts, learning to solve problems, acting opposite, adding positives, building mastery, and coping ahead.

We learned that trauma even affects our relationships. As a result of trauma, we learn to become either too passive or too aggressive, either too independent or too dependent. Therefore, we once again discussed the need to find a middle path. When it comes to relationships, we found this middle path by learning to assert, appreciate, and apologize; by learning to use the Adult Voice; by learning to balance our needs with the needs of others; and by learning to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship. We even learned the balance between transforming relationships that can be redeemed—versus terminating those that cannot. Finally, we learned that we cannot possibility deal with other people’s thoughts, feelings, triggers, and reactions if we can’t even manage our own!

Now that you have made it this far in the journey, we need to start pulling all these skills and concepts together, and keep the balance we have worked so hard to achieve. Earlier on, we learned that we have not truly and fully changed until we maintain that change over time. Now that we have found some balance, how do we stay balanced?

Next, we will learn two practical exercises that will help you implement all of these skills on a daily basis: The Diary Card and the Pattern Wheel. In addition, you will write yourself a series of letters to help you both process and heal from your previous traumas. Remember the DEAR Adult tools we learned previously? Soon you will be writing DEAR Self letters to your traumatized Self! Finally, we will learn a short and simple yet extremely powerful poem which will help you review where you’ve been and what you’ve learned throughout these blog posts.

So far, we have learned a lot of information about how to improve relationships. For example, you have learned to assert, to appreciate, and to apologize with the Adult Voice. You have also learned to listen, understand, and validate; to appear confident with poise, interest, and expressiveness; and to stay calm, aware, and respectful (even when the other person is anything but). You have even learned how to make small talk! But more important than specific skills, you have learned to think win / win by valuing both your perspectives as well as someone else’s. To top it off, you have even learned a powerful way of meeting both your needs and others’ through the five love languages.

But what happens when you try all of this…and a relationship still does not work? What if you learn to be assertive, but the other person is aggressive? What if you learn to appreciate someone else’s perspective, but the other person only criticizes? What if you apologize, but the other person only condemns? What if you use the Adult Voice, but the other person only responds with the Parent Voice? What if you stay calm, aware, and respectful, but the other person does not? What if you think win / win, but the other person can only think win / lose? What if you try to meet someone else’s love language, but that person only takes advantage of yours?

This is certainly a possibility. Here’s the reality: The best you can do in any relationship is use your own skills. Since our behaviors really do affect other people (in both positive and negative directions), using your skills really will go a long ways to improve a lot of your relationships. People will notice that you are handling situations differently, and in a lot cases, that will prompt them to handle situations differently. Unfortunately, however, you can never force someone else to use the skills that you have been learning. No matter how hard you try, some people are simply unwilling or unable to change. Even worse: No matter how skilled you become in relationships, some people remain abusive.

Therefore, this final lesson on relational effectiveness is not about learning even more skills on how to improve a relationship. Rather, this final lesson is about learning to exit a dysfunctional, unhealthy, or abusive relationship that cannot be turned around, no matter how hard you try or how many skills you use. Let’s face it: Finding balance in relationships is not just about improving the good ones; sometimes it’s also about ending the bad ones.

In order to do this, we need to resort back to the same old formula I’ve been harping about since the beginning of this book: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. First, you need to become aware of the signs of a dysfunctional relationship. Second, you need to accept those signs (as opposed to ignoring, rationalizing, justifying, minimizing, or sugar-coating them). And third, you need to take action. In this case, action means keep using your DBT skills. But if a relationship remains unhealthy, then taking action might also mean exiting that relationship! 

Let’s start off with increasing our awareness by learning the telltale signs of dysfunctional relationships. Unhealthy relationships tend to involve three roles: persecutor, victim, and rescuer (Weinhold & Weinhold, 2014). The persecutor is the person acting abusively; the victim is the person receiving the abuse; and rescuer is the person attempting to save the victim from the rescuer. There are two ways these roles can play out. On one hand, sometimes there really is a persecutor, there really is a victim, and there really is a victim. On the other hand, however, sometimes these roles are just that: Roles that people take on based on perceptions, miscommunication, and misunderstandings.     

Let’s start off discussing the second scenario first. Consider the following dysfunctional family: Let’s assume a disgruntled father feels like he pulls all the weight at home and gets no respect. In short, he feels like a victim. So one day, the father decides to lay down the law by making his lazy kids do their fair share of work around the house. Now the kids, who see dad as an unpredictable tyrant, also feel like the victims. Isn’t it interesting how dad sees himself as the victim, while his kids see him as the persecutor? Now mom sees what’s going on, and so she decides to intervene on behalf of the children. Therefore, mom is now the rescuer. And not only that, but now dad feels even more like the victim, since his wife just undermined his paternal authority. In addition to feeling like a victim, he also sees his wife as the persecutor. But of course the wife doesn’t feel like the persecutor. On contrary, she also feels like the victim: After all, she was simply trying to stand up for her kids! So now the kids see what is going on between the parents, and they decide to stick up for mom. So now who are the new rescuers? The new victims? The new persecutors? Do you see how this is going nowhere fast? Tragically, dysfunctional relational cycles like this one carry on for years and sometimes even decades.

Although this scenario is certainly dysfunctional, it might also be redeemable. As you may have noticed, everyone in this family feels like they are the victim, and everyone feels like someone else is the persecutor. In addition, everyone also takes on a rescuing role: Dad tries to rescue himself, mom tries to rescue the kids, and the kids try to rescue their mom. So much unnecessary drama happens whenever these three roles are present.

So what’s the solution? You have already learned it! Everything you have learned in this chapter is the solution to this scenario. What if dad simply used a DEAR Adult to assert his perspective? What if mom used another DEAR Adult to assert her perspective? What if both parents used LUV Talk to listen, understand, and validate each other’s perspective? What if both parents used another DEAR Adult to both appreciate and apologize, as necessary? What if both parents stayed in their CAR (calm, aware, respectful) while slicing PIE (poise, interest, expressiveness)? What if both parents remained mindful of each other’s love languages? What if the husband realized that his wife simply needed some verbal encouragement while the wife realized her husband feel appreciated by acts of service? In short, what if both parents respectfully heard each other out, utilized win / win thinking, and collaboratively decided to create a new chore chart for their children, while soliciting input from the kids themselves? Do you see how simply using DBT skills causes all of these roles to evaporate? The persecutor stops acting like a persecutor, the victim stops acting like a victim, and the rescuer stops acting like a rescuer…and then the drama simply stops.

Once you are aware of and accept the signs of a dysfunctional relationship, sometimes the best course of action is to simply use your skills. Obviously this approach is the most effective of all when everyone in the relationship is able and willing to use their skills. Sometimes the best way to exit a dysfunctional relationship is to use your skills and be the necessary agent of change to transform the relationship into something healthier. You will know you are back in a healthy relationship when there is balance, acceptance, respect, win / win thinking, and everyone’s needs are being met.

However, all bets are off when there really is a persecutor, there really is a victim, and there really is a rescuer. If a husband batters his wife or a father molests his daughter, we do not use DBT skills…we call the cops and involve the authorities! In other words, these sorts of relationships need to be cut off immediately. If you know that a minor is getting abused, then you need to be the rescuer. And if you are the being abused as an adult, then you need to be your own rescuer. You simply cannot afford to wait for someone else to play that role!

So far, we have learned some basic social skills to balance your relationships. For example, you have learned to be assertive, which is the middle path between passive and aggressive. You have also learned to use the Adult Voice, which is the middle path between the Parent Voice and Child Voice. In addition to learning to assert your own perspective, you have also learned to appreciate the perspective of others, and to apologize when you have caused hurt or harm to someone else. In short, you have learned to seek balance in relationships by adopting a win / win attitude (my perspective matters, and so does yours). In this blog post, you will learn a simple yet profound tool that will help you balance—and bolster—your relationships even further.

In the 1990’s, a psychologist named Gary Chapman (2015) studied married couples. After years of research, what Dr. Chapman noticed was that people tend to both express and perceive affection in very predictable patterns. For example, some people feel more appreciated if you spend time with them or do a favor for them, while other people feel more appreciated if you give them something or say encouraging words, such as a compliment or praise. In addition, some people feel more appreciated with some sort of physical touch, such as a hug or tap on the shoulder. Dr. Chapman called these different ways to communicate affection the “five love languages,” which include the following:

• Gifts
• Time
• Touch
• Words
• Service

Dr. Chapman found that most people tend to have one or two preferred love languages. While our love languages may evolve over time or we may feel appreciated in several different ways at once, most of us feel the most appreciated in only certain ways.

Dr. Chapman also noticed that problems can occur in relationships when two people do not share the same love languages. For example, let’s assume a father tries to shower affection on his teenage son by doing things for him, such as a changing the oil in his car. However, the son feels controlled whenever his father does things like this. Meanwhile, the father wonders why the son doesn’t do more around the house. The son in turn tries really hard to do well in school and in sports, hoping for some modicum of praise from his father. However, instead of complimenting his son on his achievements, the father just complains that the son works hard everywhere except at his own house.

Do you see what’s going on here? The father and son have different love languages! The father communicates affection through acts of service, while the son needs praise in order to feel appreciated. As a consequence of mismatched love languages, both the father and the son feel unappreciated—even though both are trying hard to express their appreciation!

As you can see, figuring out your own love language—not to mention the love language of others—can do wonders to help just about anyone improve their relationships. But this tool is especially important for people who have experienced trauma. Remember at the beginning of this chapter, I made the following statement: “Research shows that trauma which is caused by people causes much more long-term damage than trauma caused by natural disasters. That’s because as people we need people. And when people hurt us…it really, really hurts.” Well, just like it is possible to demonstrate appreciation for people in terms of their love language, it is also possible to hurt people in terms of their love languages.

Let’s assume that five year-old Jacki’s love language is touch. For example, Jacki loves to have her hair combed, loves to be hugged, and loves to be tucked into bed at night. The only problem is this: No one does this for her. Not surprisingly, Jacki does not feel loved. But now let’s take this scenario one step further. Let’s assume that Jacki’s mother physically abuses her whenever she gets drunk. In addition, let’s assume that Jacki’s father touches her inappropriately whenever he gets drunk. Of course, it goes without saying that both physical and sexual abuse are already damaging enough. But can you imagine how damaging these forms of abuse would be to someone whose love language is touch?

Now let’s take this scenario one step further. Let’s assume that Jacki’s babysitter, Uncle Jim, has really taken a liking to Jacki. And Jacki LOVES the attention. Uncle Jim strokes her hair, rubs her back, and even tucks her into bed at night with goodnight kisses. As time goes on, however, Uncle Jim also starts to touch Jacki inappropriately.

Of all the forms of abuse mentioned so far, this one will probably cause Jacki the most long-term damage. Why? Eventually Jacki will learn that her mother and her father were both abusive, because she hated the forms of touch she received from both of them. However, there is little that will tear up a psyche more than the confusion which results when people actually do meet someone’s love language—and then proceed to abuse their victim in terms of that very same love language! This is exactly how predators are able to “groom” their victims for ongoing abuse.

Let’s fast-forward a few years: Jacki is now a teenager. Even though she resents the abusive touch of her mother, her father, and even her uncle, touch is (after all) still her love language. And since no one has adequately met this need in her life, she still craves it as much as she ever did. But so far in life, she has learned that the main way to get touch is through sexual activity. Therefore, Jacki learns to behave provocatively in order to elicit sexual touch from her peers (not to mention older guys). In fact, Jacki now feels much more in control of this process than she did before, when she was being abused by her parents or uncle. But now Jacki has another set of problems: She has only learned one way to meet her love language. And to make matters worse, promiscuity comes at a very high social and emotional price—and in the end, still does not meet her needs very well.

So as you can see, there is a dark side to this concept love languages. While love languages can explain how humans can meet each other’s needs, they also explain one of the most despicable ways that people can also take advantage of other people. Our love languages not only give us the capacity to feel cherished and appreciated, but they also set us for exploitation. And of course, no one likes to get hurt in any form; but when we are hurt in terms of our love language, it hurts even more.

So how do we use the concept of love languages to improve the quality of our current relationships? Let’s go back to the mindfulness formula we learned at the beginning: Applied Mindfulness = Awareness + Acceptance + Action.

First we need to become more aware of our love languages (both yours and others). Not only do you need to figure out your own love languages, but you also need to figure out the love languages of the people who are most important to you. In addition, you need to become more aware of when your love languages are either mutual or mismatched. You also need to become more aware of how your love languages make you vulnerable to exploitation, and how you have been hurt in terms of love languages. Finally, you also need to become more aware of your own behaviors. Sometimes people excessively lavish a certain love language on other people, as an attempt to get other people to respond in kind. Have you ever met someone that constantly hugs other people, or is constantly complimenting everyone, or is constantly doing things for other people? It is generally not a good idea to try to meet your own needs through others!

Once we have become more aware of our love languages, we now need to accept them. Maybe you don’t like your love language. Maybe you wish you had a different one. Maybe you feel needy for needing to feel loved in the first place. Maybe you feel like this whole “love language” spiel is a load of malarkey…or only for wimps. Or maybe you find someone else’s love language to be annoying, or too high maintenance. Regardless of which glitches you face, the reality is that love is in one of greatest needs we have as humans, and relationships do not work very well if both parties involved cannot learn to mutually communicate appreciation. In short, love languages aren’t going away anytime soon just because you do not like them!

Once we have increased both awareness and acceptance, it’s now time to take action. Intentionally explain to other people how you feel appreciated. Intentionally ask other people how they feel appreciated. (In other words, do not try to read other people’s minds, and do not expect them to read yours.) And then intentionally interact with other people in terms of their love languages…not yours! However, you will also need to intentionally distance yourself from people who seem to be exploiting your love language. (Remember from the beginning of this chapter that assertive people know how to “move away” from people when appropriate). And finally, you will also need to intentionally communicate affection to yourself, so that you are not always dependent on other people to meet all of your needs. For example, if you crave verbal encouragement, learn to provide yourself with positive affirmations. If you feel appreciated by gifts, spoil yourself once in awhile with a special purchase. If you need physical touch, treat yourself to a massage. In short, show yourself some love! It’s okay, really. In fact, here in DBT land, we even have a term for that: self-care.   

Congratulations! You have just learned how to be more assertive in four simple steps: Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce. Of course, healthy relationships involve much more than just walking around and asserting yourself all day! No matter how well we assert, relationships will not work if that’s all we do. Relationships involve lots of give and take, lots of trial and error, and lots of repair work when relationships do not go like we expect them to. Just as we have needs that we want other people to meet, not surprisingly, other people also have needs that they want us to meet. And just like other people do not always meet our expectations, we do not always meet the expectations of other people either.

In short, if we only learn to assert well, our Relationship Stool only has one of the three necessary legs. The other two legs required for effective relationships are Appreciation and Apologies. The more you can appreciate the perspectives of other people and apologize when you have caused hurt or harm in a relationship, the more other people will be willing to meet your wants and needs as well. In other words, we need all three legs of the stool!

The Relationship Stool

• Assert – Express your own needs and perspective and ask people to change
• Appreciate – Value the needs and perspective of other people
• Apologize – Offer to repair any damage you have caused in a relationship

The good news is that we have already learned the DEAR Adult formula to assert. Now we can use the same formula to both appreciate and apologize! Here’s how. Let’s start off using DEAR Adult to appreciate someone else’s perspective.

DEAR Adult (Appreciate)

D – Describe: Summarize or paraphrase the main points of what the other person has stated.

E - Empathize: Instead of expressing your own feelings, empathize with the other person’s emotions. Explain that you understand why they feel however they feel.

A - Appreciate: The word appreciate has three distinct but related meanings. First, sometimes appreciate simply means to understand. For example, if you tell your boss that you feel like you are working too many hours and she says, “I can appreciate that,” what that means is that she gets what you are saying. Even more commonly, appreciate means to value something or someone. For example, if your supervisor tell you, “I really appreciate you as an employer,” that means that she values you. However, appreciate also has a third meaning: to increase in value! For example, if you say, “the value of my house has appreciated,” what you mean is that the value of your house has just increased. All three definitions apply to effective communication! If you want other people to respect your perspective, then you will also need to appreciate theirs:

1. Understand their perspective

2. Value their perspective

3. ADD value to their perspective 

R – Reinforce: Recall that reinforce means to either strengthen something or increase a behavior. When it comes to this formula, what we most want to reinforce is the ability of both parties to compromise and negotiate. After you have described the other person’s perspective, empathized with the other person’s perspective, and then even appreciated the other person’s perspective, both of you are now in a much better position to find and reach a consensus.

It would be great if everything in life could be resolved by either asserting our perspective or appreciating someone else’s. Of course, that is not realistic. We all make mistakes, and sometimes we even cause hurt and harm to someone else. But fear not: DEAR Adult is once again coming to the rescue!

DEAR Adult (Apologize)

D - Describe: In this case, describe what you did wrong.

E - Empathize: Empathize with the other person’s perspective. Explain how your actions have affected the other person.

A - Apologize: State that you are sorry, that you regret what you did, and that you regret how your actions have affected the other person.

R – Reinforce: Of course, it’s not enough to just say you are sorry, with no evidence that you are truly sorry. Remember that to reinforce means to either strengthen something or increase a behavior. In this case, you need to strengthen your apology with some sort of follow up, which in turn may increase the other person’s willingness to forgive you. There are several ways to reinforce an apology, and all of them begin with R: repair, restore, reconcile. As we all know, words are cheap and actions speak louder than words—so the key to reinforcing an apology is to put your words into action. Explain what you will do differently in the future. Explain exactly how you will repair the damage, restore the situation, and reconcile the relationship. And then do it!

Now that you have already practiced your first DEAR Adult to assert, let’s practice two more DEAR Adults: one to appreciate and one to apologize.

Regardless of how you are wired as a person, and regardless of how someone else is wired as a person, there are three A’s which are indispensable for human interactions: Assert, Appreciate, Apologize. If you can get these three concepts down, you are well on your way to more effective communication…not to mention healthier relationships!

We are going to learn a simple formula for each of these skills. The formula is this: DEAR Adult. This is an acronym, and each letter stands for an important concept. In this blog post, we will learn how to use DEAR Adult to assert (adapted from Linehan, 2015).

Here’s the scenario. Let’s assume your roommate keeps leaving his dirty dishes in the sink, and you are the one that ends up washing them. You could ignore the problem and hope he finally gets the hint. Or you could go off the deep end and cuss him out. Either way, the problem might not get resolved. So let’s learn a more effective way of dealing with this situation.  

D – Describe

• The first step is to simply describe the situation. However, when you describe, you need to stay as neutral, objective, and non-judgmental as possible: Just the facts. Do not blame, point fingers, or make assumptions. When you describe, it is also helpful to avoid dropping the “you” bomb whenever possible. As soon as you interject the word “you,” the other person is likely to become defensive and might even counter-attack. Therefore, it is helpful to frame the situation in terms of “I statements” and “we statements” instead of “you statements.” This is a really good way to avoid the impression of blaming or pointing fingers.
  • Ineffective: “You never wash the freaking dishes you little freak!!”
  • Effective: “I have noticed that we do not have a system in place to make sure the dishes get washed.”          

E - Express 

• Now that you have described the situation, you have established the necessary context to express how you feel about the situation. Once again, it is really important to avoid the “you bomb” whenever possible, and to use either “I statements” and “we statements” instead. It is fine at this point to mention any emotions that you might be feeling. However, be careful not to exaggerate your feelings either.
  • Ineffective: “You really tick me off whenever you are too freaking lazy to wash your own freaking dishes!”
  • Effective: “It is frustrating that there are no clean cups when we want to get a drink of water. I feel like there’s got to be a better system.”

A - Assert

• Now that you have described the situation, as well as expressed how you feel about the situation, you are in a much better position to finally assert To assert means that you ask people to change what they are doing. You may either ask people to stop doing something, to start doing something, or to alter what they are doing. Most people do not like to change. That is precisely why it is so important to first describe and first express before you attempt to assert. If you just assert out of the blue, with no context, people do not understand where you are coming from. But when you first describe the situation (non-judgmentally), you provide the first layer of context. And then when you express how you feel about the situation (non-judgmentally), you provide another layer of context. Now the other person not only understands that there is a problem, but they also understand how you feel about the problem. In other words, your request will now make much more sense.
  • Ineffective: “So please get off your lazy butt and start washing the freaking dishes!”
  • Effective: “So I propose we set up a rotation. What if we take turns washing the dishes?”

R - Reinforce

• This last step is crucial. Now that you have described, expressed, and asserted, it’s really important to reinforce everything you have stated so far. In normal everyday English, to reinforce something means to make it even stronger—“to strengthen or support something, especially with additional material.” For example, you might reinforce your door lock by adding an extra bolt: You have just made the lock even stronger. In psychology, reinforce also means to increase the likelihood of a behavior. For example, if you consistently reward a child with ice cream after she has eaten her vegetables, then you have just reinforced (increased) the chances she will eat her vegetables. Both definitions apply.
• In addition, there are two different things you want to reinforce: your request and the quality of the overall relationship. There are many ways of reinforcing both your request and the relationship. In my opinion, the best way of all is to explain that what you’re asking for is a “win / win proposition.” In other words, explain how what you are asking for is actually in the best interest of the other person too. If you do not reinforce in this way, then everything you have been describing, expressing, and asserting so far might come across as “me, me, me.” And as we all know, that can be a major turn-off. Therefore, it’s really important to flip the “m” into a “w” and turn that “me” into a “we”!
  • Ineffective: “So have I been clear, or do you still not get it?”
  • Effective: “How about this: I will wash the dishes on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, and you wash the dishes the other three days. I don’t mind taking an extra day. And since it’s Monday, I don’t mind starting my rotation today. What do you think?”

Adult Voice

So far we have learned an important sequence: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforcement. While each of these steps is really important, so is something else: Your delivery. No matter how perfectly you articulate these steps, they will not work if you do not execute them the right way. In short, we need to deliver these steps like an adult—not like a child or parent!

Communication experts distinguish among three voices that we tend to use with other people (Berne, 2015). Sometimes we use the Parent Voice. That’s when we yell, scream, condemn, criticize, lecture, scold, or berate someone else. I know this description kind of gives parents a bad rap, but think of the voice your parents used on you when they were really upset or lost it. And sometimes we use the Child Voice. That’s when we whine, pout, sulk, complain, or throw a temper tantrum. Think of the voice your kids use when they want something forbidden at the supermarket. And sometimes we even use the Adult Voice. This is the voice two adults use with each other when both are calm and collected. Now I probably don’t have to tell which voice is the most effective: We all know that the Adult Voice is the voice of reason. However, when we are triggered enough, we all default to either the Parent Voice or Child Voice—even though they don’t work!

 Here are some tips on how to use the Adult Voice:

1. First and foremost, the Adult Voice is mindful. In other words, the Adult Voice is both aware and accepting!

2. In particular, the Adult Voice is aware of many things, including the following:

• Our words
• Our volume
• Our body language
• Our facial expressions
• Our triggers
• Our timing
• Our proximity to speaker

3. In addition, the Adult Voice is accepting of all parties involved in the conversation. The Adult Voice accepts the other person’s wants and needs just as much as your wants and needs.

4. The Adult Voice knows how to use Distress Tolerance skills to cope with triggers which may arise in the conversation. What Distress Tolerance coping skills would help you in a difficult conversation?

5. The Adult Voice knows how to use Emotion Regulation skills to manage difficult emotions that arise in the conversation. What Emotion Regulation coping skills would help you in a difficult conversation?

6. The Adult Voice knows how to use Dialectical Thinking skills to avoid rigid or extreme though patterns. In other words, the Adult Voice knows how to think flexibility and process information from some else’s perspective.

7. This also means that the Adult Voice knows how to negotiate, compromise, and find the middle ground. The Adult Voice avoids power struggles and instead strives to find a win-win consensus.

8. The Adult Voice knows how to appear confident (not cocky!) instead of passive or aggressive.

9. In addition, the Adult Voice uses “connect talk” rather than “control talk.” We tend to use control talk when we just “know” that we are right, and we just “know” the other person is wrong. Typical forms of control talk include commands, accusations, and blame. You know you are using control talk when you tell other people how they should think, feel, and act. The main problem with control talk is that it does not work! Control talk simply provokes the other person to become defensive, to retaliate, to escalate, or to shut down. Think of the last time you felt controlled by someone. Did that make you want to conform to their expectations—or resist even more? Ultimately, control talk undermines rather than reinforces the relationship. Connect talk, on the other hand, means using inclusive words such as “we” and “us”—as opposed to making “me” versus “you” distinctions in the first place. Connect talk values the relationship more than being right or winning the blame game. Research shows that connecting words are much better at persuading people than control words (Kehoe, 2011).

10. In short, the Adult Voice knows how to take personal responsibility and offer to be part of the solution—instead of just blaming the other person or demanding that the other person change.

Before we learn specific strategies on how to improve our relationship skills, it will be helpful to first learn about the different relationship styles that people have in the first place.

Moving Toward, Moving Away, or Moving Against

Karen Horney(1966) was one of the first psychologists to categorize the different ways people tend to relate to other people. Horney noticed that people tend to relate to others in three distinct ways: Moving towards people, moving away from people, and moving against people. All three ways of relating to other people can be appropriate, depending on the situation. If you need help with something, it makes sense to “move towards” someone (in other words, reach out for assistance). However, if someone is mistreating you, it makes sense to “move away” from that person; in other words, terminate the relationship. In addition, if someone is mistreating someone else, it makes sense to “move against” that person; in other words, initiate conflict with that person to challenge, confront, or correct inappropriate behavior.

Not surprisingly, Horney found that socially effective people not only use a balance of all three approaches, but they also know when use to each approach. For example, they know when it’s appropriate to move towards someone, when it’s appropriate to move away from someone, and when it’s appropriate to move against someone.

However, Horney also noticed that some people have the tendency of over-using one of these three approaches. For example, some people only know how to “move towards” others, even when they should learn to handle some things on their own. In other words, they become too needy, too clingy, and too dependent. In addition, some people only know how to “move away” from others. In other words, they avoid both commitment and conflict at all costs. Finally, some people only know how to “move against” others. In other words, they constantly pick fights that serve no purpose. In short, some people are too dependent, some people are too avoidant, and some people are too oppositional. Instead of using an appropriate balance of all three approaches, people who have been traumatized tend to adopt just one of these tendencies as their default. Instead of having three ways of dealing with people, they now only have one!

Passive, Aggressive, and Passive-Aggressive

There’s another way to distinguish relational styles that also involves three categories: passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive. To be passive means that you do not speak up when other people take advantage of you. Passive means you are operating from a lose / win perspective: You let some else get their way, while your wants and needs get sacrificed. The opposite of passive is aggressive. To be aggressive means that you take advantage of someone else. Sometimes aggression can even include physical or verbal belligerence. Aggressive means you are operating from a win / lose perspective: You get your way, even at the expense of someone else’s wants or needs.

As the term suggest, passive-aggressive is a compromise of sorts between these two extremes. To be passive-aggressive means that you get back at someone (which leans towards aggression), but you do it in a way that is indirect (which leans towards passivity). An example of passive-aggressive behavior might be spreading rumors about someone. On one hand, you are not acting completely passively, which would mean doing nothing at all. On the other hand, you are also not cussing them out or stabbing them with pencils, which would be aggression. Rather, you are somewhere in the middle on the spectrum ranging from passive to aggressive.

Sometimes it might be appropriate to be passive. For example, not all battles are worth fighting. If someone cuts you off in traffic, it might not do much good to retaliate with road rage. In addition, sometimes it might be appropriate to be aggressive. For example, I one for one would become quite aggressive if I ever witnessed a child getting abused. And sometimes it might even be appropriate to be a little passive-aggressive. For example, if you are really frustrated with someone else’s incompetence, it might be better to just mutter under your breath than to shout at full volume exactly what’s on your mind!

However, some people adopt one of these three tendencies as their default. They tend to be too passive, too aggressive, or too passive-aggressive. And even though all three approaches are different, they have one thing in common: They are also ineffective when over-used! How so? The answer is easier than you might think.

Remember that passivity operates from a lose / win perspective? And remember that aggressiveness operates from a win / lose perspective? And remember that passive-aggressiveness is a compromise between those two extremes? Well, unfortunately, not all compromises are good ones. The reality is that passive-aggressive is the worst of both worlds, since passive-aggressive operates from a lose / lose paradigm: No one gets their needs met. In short, all three approaches require at least one loser! And no relational strategy will be effective in the long run if the relationship requires up front that at least one of the parties will not get their needs met.

Assertiveness

So now what? What’s the missing link here? Is there any effective relational strategy? Is there any way to have a positive balance between moving towards, moving away from, and moving against? Is there any way to have a positive compromise between acting too passive versus acting too aggressive? Indeed there is. It’s called being assertive! Assertiveness is a positive compromise between passive and aggressive for this simple reason: Assertiveness operates from a win / win perspective. Assertiveness means that my wants and needs are important…AND so are yours!

Remember that DBT is all about balance? Well assertiveness is a concept which represents balance in relationships. To be assertive means that sometimes you move towards people, sometimes you move away from people, and sometimes you move against people—but you do it with the right balance. And what is that balance? The only way to maintain that balance is to constantly factor in both your perspective as well as the perspective of others.

So now that we have learned this fancy new concept, how do we actually implement it? So glad you asked! In the coming blog posts, you will learn specific strategies for implementing assertiveness. The main tool you will be learning is DEAR Adult. This tool will teach you how to assert your perspective, how to appreciate someone else’s perspective, and how to apologize when you cause hurt or harm.

In earlier blog posts, you learned that trauma has a way of throwing us off balance. Just about everything can get thrown off balance by trauma: our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions. And since trauma by definition represents an extreme situation, trauma tends to force our thoughts, feelings, and actions into extreme positions as well. In other words, we learn to either over-think or under-think, over-feel or under-feel, and over-act or under-act. These extreme positions were necessary to survive the original trauma. For example, in order to survive sexual abuse, maybe you had to learn to over-think your abuser’s every mood and move while under-feeling your own pain and suffering. However, even after the original trauma has long ended, sometimes we continue to maintain these extreme positions. In short, we have lost our balance because we no longer know how to operate in the middle; we are constantly stuck at one extreme or the other. 

The same applies to our relationships! In fact, research shows that trauma which is caused by people causes much more emotional damage than trauma caused by natural disasters—such as hurricanes and tornadoes (Fowler, Allen, Oldhamab, Frueh, 2013). That’s because as people we need people. And when people hurt us…it really, really hurts. Therefore, when trauma involves people, all of our relationships are potentially affected: personal relationships, professional relationships, intimate relationships—and even spiritual relationships. Not only are our relationships knocked off balance, but they are also forced to the extremes…just like everything else.

Relational imbalance starts when we learn to either over-rely or under-rely on other people. On one hand, we over-rely on other people when we become too needy, too clingy, or too helpless. We want other people to heal all of our wounds and fix all of our problems. On the other hand, we under-rely on other people when think we should be able to fix everything on our own…and sometimes we even burn bridges that we cannot afford to burn. In other words, trauma can sometimes cause us to become either too dependent or too independent.     

So far in these blog posts, you have learned lots of skills. You have learned how to become more aware and more accepting. You have learned how to cope better with stress, triggers, and urges. You have learned how to manage your emotions and think with greater flexibility. In short, you have been learning how to regain your balance, which is the entire point of DBT!

Now that you are learning greater balance with your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, it’s time to start finding balance in your relationships as well. But do you see why you had to learn all of these other skills first? Since relationships by definition involve you and other people, you can’t possibly find balance with others if you are still off balance yourself! In order to improve your relationships with other people, it’s really important that you are using and practicing the skills you have learned so far.

Think about it this way: How can you be aware and accepting of other people—if you are not even aware and accepting of yourself? How can you deal with other people’s triggers—if you cannot even deal with your own triggers? How can you respond to other people’s thoughts and feelings—if you cannot even regulate your own thoughts and feelings? Trust me, you will need all of these skills when it comes to relationships!  

Fortunately, however, just like you have been learning skills all along to achieve balance in other areas of your life, there are also skills you can learn to restore balance in all of your relationships—whether personal or public, private or professional. In the next blog posts, you will learn the middle path between too much dependence versus too much independence. You will learn a simple formula (DEAR Adult) that will help you assert your perspective, appreciate someone else’s perspective, and apologize when you have caused hurt or harm. In addition, you will learn how to do all of this with the right delivery, by using the Adult Voice (as opposed to the Child Voice or Parent Voice). By using the Adult Voice, you will learn to maintain your calm and composure in any situation, ranging from crisis to small talk. Eventually, you will also learn how to nurture relationships that are worth nurturing, as well as untangle yourself from dysfunctional relationships that either need to change…or end.

Would you ever plant a garden in the spring, and just abandon it till the end of the summer? Even if you planted the right seeds, what kind of outcome would you expect if you did absolutely nothing to maintain the garden? Well, the same concept applies to your emotions. Now that your emotional garden has been planted, we need to fertilize it! In the final lesson of your garden of emotions, you will learn the ABC’s of maintaining emotional stability (Linehan, 2015):

A – Add Positives

B – Build Mastery

C – Cope Ahead

Let’s discuss each of these ABC’s in a little more detail:

• Add Positives means doing something that makes you feel happy—every single day! We all feel better when good things happen to us. But why wait for a good thing to just happen? Why not schedule it instead? This strategy can be as simple as blocking off time for sipping a hot cup of coffee or watching a sunset. Not surprisingly, research shows that simply adding positive experiences to our daily routines helps to improve our mood and coping (Hutchinson, Loy, Kleiber, Dattilo, 2010). This is a great investment, when you consider that adding positive experiences to your life does not have to cost money or take a lot of time! One way to Add Positives to your life is to set SMART goals for yourself (more about that in a little bit).

• Build Mastery means doing something that you are good at—every single day! We all feel better about ourselves when we feel productive or do something constructive. This strategy can be as simple as strumming your guitar, playing sports, or learning a new language. Building mastery is all about identifying your talents and then making goals to develop these gifts. This in turn will help you feel more secure and more confident in your abilities. Research shows that having a sense of purpose or accomplishment can also help improve our mood and coping (Matthieu, Lawrence, Robertson-Blackmore, 2017). One way to Build Mastery to your life is to set SMART goals for yourself.

• Cope Ahead means planning ahead for difficult situations. People who have experienced chronic trauma tend to become reactive as opposed to proactive. However, instead of just waiting for the next situation to happen, why not think of all the skills you already know? Why not visualize using those skills? Why not think of the trusted people in your life who can help you with the situation? Why not practice and role play the skills ahead of time? In one study of 182 college girls with trauma histories, the researchers found that college students who Coped Ahead had fewer PTSD symptoms, regardless of the severity of the trauma, extent of the previous trauma history, or the amount of time elapsed since the trauma occurred (Vernon, Jacqueline, Dillon, and Steiner, 2008). Not surprisingly, just in case you haven’t gotten the point yet, one way to Cope Ahead is to set SMART goals for yourself!

As you can see, the key to maintaining your beautiful garden of emotions is to fertilize with ABC’s—every single day!

When it comes to the game of life, do you have trouble shooting? Or have you learned to shoot your troubles? Now I am not a violent person, but please work with my analogy: If we are going to protect our garden of emotions, we may have to shoot some predators! And life is full of them: work, deadlines, appointments, bills, illness…you get the point.

Sometimes we feel overwhelmed because life really is overwhelming. This is especially true for trauma survivors. Sometimes our problems pile up higher than dirty laundry…and we don’t even know where to start. Sometimes the best way to manage overwhelming emotions is start troubleshooting our stressors—one bullet at a time!

Here are 10 bullets to improve our aim. Now, instead of having “trouble shooting,” let’s shoot our troubles (Godley & Smith, 2016).

1. Define the problem.
2. Brainstorm possible solutions.
3. Eliminate unwanted solutions.
4. Select one possible solution.
5. Identify possible obstacles.
6. Address each obstacle with a plan.
7. Try out the solution you selected.
8. Evaluate the outcome.
9. If necessary, try another solution!
10. If you’re really stuck, make sure you have a trusted friend or counselor help you through this process.

First, let’s practice this together. Let’s troubleshoot the following problem:

Your son Alexander is supposed to graduate this year. The only problem: He is currently failing ALL of his subjects.

Notice you have already completed Step 1!

1. Define the problem:
   • Alexander is supposed to graduate this year. However, he is currently failing ALL of his subjects.
2. Brainstorm possible solutions.
   • Yell, swear, and throw random objects.
   • Complain to all of my friends.
   • Ground him for the rest of the school year (it’s currently October).
   • Schedule a meeting with all of his teachers and coaches.
3. Eliminate unwanted solutions.
   • I always complain to all my friends. That never changes anything, but it does help me feel better. So that one stays. Yelling, swearing, and throwing random objects sounds tempting, but will probably not earn me the respect I need to deal with this situation. At least, not effectively. Grounding for the rest of the school also sounds tempting, but (A) I don’t actually want him around the house 24/7 for the next 7 months and (B) he might just give up completely, if he doesn’t have a chance to redeem himself. After all, he is very motivated by sports! Scheduling a meeting with the teachers and coaches is probably the most effective step to take.
4. Select one possible solution.
   • I am going to select two solutions: Complain to all my friends AND schedule a meeting with all the teachers and coaches.
5. Identify possible obstacles.
   • I might have to take time off from work.
   • My husband might have to take time off from work.
   • It’s a nightmare to get a meeting scheduled with just one teacher or coach, much less the whole lot of them at once!
6. Address each obstacle with a plan.
   • Just getting this meeting scheduled is going to require lots of foresight, coordination, and flexibility. But I do know that the school faculty usually meets on Thursday mornings before school starts. If we can schedule a meeting then, we won’t have to finagle a gazillion different schedules, and my husband and I probably won’t even be that late to work.
7. Try out the solution you selected.
   • I reached out to the guidance counselor with my concerns and suggestion for a Thursday meeting. She echoed my concerns and thought a Thursday meeting was a great idea, but we would have to meet before the faculty meeting. I said no problem!
8. Evaluate the outcome.
   • My husband had to work first shift and he wasn’t able to take off for a non-emergency, so I went by myself. The meeting with the teachers and football coach went well. The teachers reported that the main reason Alexander’s grades were low was because of missing assignments that he had started but had not turned in yet. They were all willing to offer partial credit for late assignments, which would bring his grades up to passing. The football coach agreed to bench Alexander until all assignments were in. This will be a huge motivator for Alexander, because he was supposed to start this season. Also, if Alexander fails the semester, he will not be eligible for track in the spring either. Another big motivator!
9. If necessary, try another solution.
   • Even though the meeting was much more of a success than I expected, I still want to complain to my friends!
10. If you’re really stuck, make sure you have a trusted friend or counselor help you through this process.
    • If Alexander continues to fail his classes, I will need to reach out to the guidance counselor again. Maybe there are deeper issues here than just academics?

Did you ever notice that reacting to your emotions can actually make them worse? For example, let’s suppose that you are really ticked off. And when you get ticked off, you clench your fists and raise your voice. Have you noticed that the more you clench your fists and raise your voice, the angrier you get? Now let’s suppose you are feeling really sad, and you just want to sleep, isolate—and crawl in your bed and never come out. Have you noticed that the more you sleep and isolate, the sadder you feel? Or let’s suppose you are terrified of your boss, and you prefer to avoid her at all costs. Have you noticed that the more you avoid your boss, the more you become scared of her?

In other words, the more we react to certain emotions, the worse they get! Any emotion that gets worse when you react to it is called a “trigger emotion.” A “problem urge” is what you feel like doing whenever you have that particular emotion. As we saw in the previous paragraph, the more we have certain emotions, the more we have certain urges. And the more we act on those urges, the more difficult it becomes to manage those emotions. Do you see what’s happening here? You’re stuck in a trap!

I call this trap the “Stupid Cycle.” We all get stuck in the Stupid Cycle. Getting stuck in the stupid cycle doesn’t mean, of course, that you are actually stupid. It simply means that you are probably not using your Balanced Mind whenever you get stuck in this trap!

So how do we get out of the Stupid Cycle? So glad you asked! It’s much easier—and harder—than you think. On one hand, it’s a really simple concept: All you have to do to get out of the Stupid Cycle is the exact opposite of what you feel like doing. On the other hand, this is a really, really difficult concept to apply: No one wants to do the exact opposite of what they feel like doing! So even though Acting Opposite is a really easy concept to understand, learning to apply it is a quite a different story—and requires LOTS of practice and willingness.

Let me throw out a few more terms. On one hand, I define “Stupid Stubbornness” as doing whatever we want, even if it’s not working—and even if we hurt ourselves in the process. On the other hand, I define “Smart Stubbornness” as doing whatever it takes to get the job done—whether we like it or not. Those concepts should ring a bell as you think about the Stupid Cycle. Acting on the Problem Urge is an example of Stupid Stubbornness: It doesn’t work and it only makes things worse—but it’s what we want to do! However, Acting Opposite is an example of Smart Stubbornness: You don’t want to do it, but you do it anyway. Why? Because it works!

But before we start practicing this new skill, I want to make a few quick points. First of all, did you notice that I called these emotions “trigger emotions” and not “negative emotions”? That’s because not all trigger emotions feel negative. In fact, some feel positive! For example, did you ever make poor decisions when you fell in love with someone too quickly? Another reason I did not use the term “negative emotions” is because with some trigger emotions, you don’t feel anything at all! For example, did you ever make poor decisions when you were feeling bored or numb? And a final reason I did not use the term “negative emotions” is because I did not want to imply the myth that some emotions are bad and therefore should be avoided. As we have learned in earlier blog posts, ALL emotions (even the ones we don’t like) provide extremely valuable functions.

A final point I want to make before you get started with some practice is this: Of course doing the opposite of what you really want to do will not feel natural. Of course you will feel “fake” when you are just barely learning to act opposite. And that’s exactly why I call this skill “acting” opposite! It’s okay if you feel like you are just acting or faking it. This is what I tell my own clients: “Fake it till you make it!”

Sometimes when we have really intense emotions, it’s because we are reacting to either incomplete or inaccurate information. In other words, maybe some of the information is missing, or maybe some of the information is not completely correct. Once we have the right facts, however, it then becomes easier to reset our emotions to match the actual situation. Just like a real garden needs the right soil, our emotional garden also needs the right facts!

Here are a few basic questions which can help us sort through just about any situation that seems to be triggering intense emotions. This is how we check the soil:

1. What are the facts of the situation?
2. What is true and what is not true?
3. Which information am I missing?
4. What is the worst-case scenario?
5. How likely is the worst-case scenario?
6. Will I die if the worst-case scenario happens?
7. How can I cope with the worst-case scenario?
8. What is the best-case scenario?
9. What is the most likely scenario?
10. How can I cope with the most likely scenario?

Let’s try out an example before you practice this on your own. Let’s assume your husband just came home late from work, for the second time this week. You are livid. Let’s check the soil!

Checking the Soil

1. What are the facts of the situation?

• My husband arrived 25 minutes late on Tuesday.
• My husband arrived 35 minutes late on Thursday.
• My husband did not call me either time to let me know.
• My husband usually calls me when he knows he is going to be late.

2. What is true and what is not true?

• True: This is not characteristic of my husband.
• True: My husband has been complaining a lot about his boss and deadlines.
• Not True: I have been noticing signs that my husband is cheating on me.

3. Which information am I missing?

• I don’t fully know what’s going on with his work situation right now. I need to have a conversation with him about his professional life.

4. What is the worst-case scenario?

• My husband is having an affair with the boss he keeps complaining about.

5. How likely is the worst-case scenario?

• Anything is possible these days, but this one is pretty unlikely. Let’s go with 5%.

6. Will I die if the worst-case scenario happens?

• No, I will not die. But my husband might! J

7. How can I cope with the worst-case scenario?

• We would need to get into marriage counseling ASAP. Assuming I don’t strangle him first!

8. What is the best-case scenario?

• My dear husband not only works so hard for his family, but he is also always so considerate and thoughtful.
• I am sure he spent all afternoon trying to text me, but his phone probably died from work overload.

9. What is the most likely scenario?

• He is probably overwhelmed with work stuff. When this happens, he tends to become less considerate of letting me know what’s going on in his work life.

10. How can I cope with the most likely scenario?

• After he has time to unwind this evening, we need to have a little chat about communication.

Have you ever heard a myth? Myths are often used to explain why certain things are the way they are, and they tend to get told over and over again. Myths often combine some things that are true with other things that are not true.

Even if they are not completely true, many people believe myths for the following three reasons.

• Reason 1: We hear the same myth so often that eventually we start to believe that it must be true.
• Reason 2: Someone in authority teaches us the myth, so therefore we assume it must be correct.
• Reason 3: We agree with the explanation provided by the myth.

So here’s the problem with myths: If we hear them enough, especially by someone in authority, and if we agree with their explanations, we tend to believe them—even if they are not true!

Maybe you have heard an ancient myth (such as how the zebra got its stripes) that now seems funny, silly, and even entertaining to modern people. Why? Because we know the explanation provided by the myth is simply not true—no matter how many times we hear the story, and no matter who tells it to us. Unfortunately, however, modern people still believe many modern myths for the three reasons mentioned about. And some of the greatest myths told in our times are about our emotions!

Trauma survivors in particular have often been taught many myths about their emotions. The messages we hear about our emotions often meet all the criteria for myths: They provide explanations, but fact is often mixed with fiction. And yet, we believe these myths anyway because (1) we here these messages over and over; (2) the messages often come from our own parents, coaches, or spouses; and (3) we actually agree with their explanations.

Here’s an example of an emotional myth. Let’s assume someone in authority (such as your parent) has told you over and over again for many years that the reason you struggle with emotions is because you have a bad attitude. Since the messenger was your mother or father, and since you heard the message so often, you started to believe it. But even more importantly, at some point you believed this myth because you agreed with the explanation: “The reason my emotions are so overwhelming is because I have a bad attitude!”

Did you notice that this is such a short, simple explanation? We love explanations that are short and simple! Unfortunately, this myth is simply not true. Perhaps you can remember many times when you had a good attitude, and your emotions were still overwhelming anyway. But since you already believed the myth, you did not even notice the evidence which contradicted it!

There are many myths which we can believe about emotions. I call this concept our “emotional mythology.” Unfortunately, believing myths about our emotions does not make them easier to deal with. On the contrary, emotional myths can make our emotions even more overwhelming!

Here are some common myths that many people believe about emotions:

• Myth 1: Emotions are random and have no purpose.
• Myth 2: Becoming emotional means losing control.
• Myth 3: Emotions are either correct or incorrect.
• Myth 4: Only weak people talk about their emotions.
• Myth 5: Negative emotions are caused by a bad attitude.
• Myth 6: Painful emotions are dangerous and destructive.
• Myth 7: The only way to deal with negative emotions is to ignore them.
• Myth 8: Other people know what my emotions should be better than I do.

Myths can also be gender specific. Here are two more:

• Myth 9: Girls should not express anger; they should be nice!
• Myth 10: Boys should not cry; they should be tough!

Let’s process a couple of these myths together to learn what is untrue about each of these messages. And then let’s identify some of your personal emotional myths!

One of the best ways to nurture your emotions (believe it or not) is to take care of your body.

Think of the last time you were sick. Or the last time you missed a meal. Or the last time you ate way too much. Or the last time you were hung over. Or the last time you didn’t sleep the whole night. Were you a happy camper? Were you at the top of your game? Or is it fair to say you were more cranky, more depressed, or less “with it?”

This blog post is all about managing your garden of emotions. Well let’s start by planting the right seeds! There are five simple “seeds” for taking care of your body—and therefore, your emotions:  

• S – Symptoms
• E – Eating
• E – Exercise
• D – Drugs
• S – Sleeping

Seed 1: Take care of your symptoms!

It is normal for trauma survivors to have more medical problems than other people. In fact, one famous study found that the more traumatic experiences you have as a child, the more medical problems you are likely to have as an adult (Curran, 2016). If you are sick or your body is injured, make sure you take care of these symptoms! It is really hard to have balanced emotions when your body is constantly screaming for attention. Each time your body has a symptom, it is actually crying out for help. So learn to pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you. One leading trauma expert (Van der Kolk, 2014) said that all healing from trauma starts with this step! Consult with a medical professional if you feel you need additional help with your physical symptoms.

Seed 2: Eat well!

It is normal for trauma survivors to experience problems with appetite and diet (Berk-Clark, CVD; Secrest, S; Walls, J; et al., 2018). Sometimes they eat too much, and sometimes they don’t eat enough. Make sure you are consuming a balanced diet of healthy foods. This doesn’t mean you have to become a health nut; it simply means you need to include healthy foods (such as fruits and vegetables) in your daily diet. And it also means learning to balance your portions: Not too much and not too little. How can your emotions be balanced if your diet isn’t even balanced? Remember what grandma used to say? You are what you eat! Consult with a dietician or nutritionist if you feel you need additional help with your diet.

Seed 3: Exercise daily!

It is normal for trauma survivors to avoid any physical activity or sensations that remind them of their traumatic experiences (Van der Kolk, 2014). Unfortunately, exercise tends to fall in that category, since exercise can cause the body to feel certain aches and pains which you would rather forget! This is tragic, since it is well known that just a little bit of exercise releases chemicals in our brains that improve our mood. But let’s be realistic: Exercise doesn’t mean you need to start training for marathons or become an Iron Man. It simply means that you need to engage in some kind of physical activity on a daily basis. My personal philosophy of exercise is this: Don’t make it so painful that you dread doing it again…and therefore make excuses not to! Instead, just do enough exercise to lift your mood. That will help you want to do it again. Remember the old saying? “Moderation in all things.” Consult with a personal trainer if you feel you need additional help setting up an exercise routine.

Seed 4: Be careful what drugs go into your body!

Many trauma survivors use alcohol, street drugs, or other substances to “help” manage their painful emotions (Van der Kolk, 2014). The only problem is this: Although these chemicals may provide a quick temporary relief, as soon as the effects wear off, your emotions will feel even more out of control than before! If your doctor prescribes you certain medications to help regulate your emotions, that is fine. But if you want to balance your emotions, it is really important to ONLY take the drugs—and dosages—which have been prescribed by your physician! Consult with a doctor or therapist if you feel you need medications to help balance your emotions.

Seed 5: Get enough sleep!

Trauma survivors also tend to have a tough time sleeping at night (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Sometimes they have nightmares. Sometimes their minds just won’t shut off. Sometimes they worry all night. And sometimes they even worry about not getting enough sleep! Unfortunately, it is really hard to have balanced emotions during the day when you haven’t slept well at night. Everyone has a different sleep schedule and rhythm, and some people need more sleep than others. But what everyone has in common is that we all need a good night’s rest! How can you score A’s in the game of life when you haven’t even gotten your Z’s? Consult with a doctor or therapist if you feel you need additional help with your sleep routine.

In a previous blog post, we learned how to use the Balanced Mind to bring balance to our Thinking Mind. In this post, we will learn how to use the Balanced Mind to bring balance to our Feeling Mind.

Do you sometimes feel like your emotions control you…more than you control them? It is normal for people who have been traumatized to experience intense emotions that seem to come out of nowhere. In fact, trauma survivors tend to experience five distinct patterns with their emotions.

First, you may have more negative emotions than others (such as more depression, more anxiety, or more anger). Second, your emotions might be more easily triggered. Third, your emotions may also tend to be more intense. Fourth, your emotions may take longer to return to their normal state. When you put all these patterns together, it’s no wonder that your emotions can seem so unpredictable and overwhelming. And that’s precisely why trauma survivors also experience a fifth trend: Doing anything it takes to numb out as many of these overwhelming emotions as possible!

But now do you see how we are back to the problem of extremes? What would we ever do without the Balanced Mind?

The good news is that DBT teaches some very practical tools for balancing your emotions by learning to manage them. Now notice that I did not say control: I said manage. Your emotions do not need to be controlled. In fact, trying to control your emotions will only make them feel even more unheard, unappreciated, and unrecognized…and then they will just have to scream even louder to get your attention!

Pretend each of your emotions is a different kind of flower. You wouldn’t try to control, coerce, or manipulate flowers, would you? But if you want this beautiful garden of flowers to flourish, you will certainly have to mange the garden. For example, you will need to plant the right seeds, check the soil, protect from predators…and remember to weed and fertilize!

In the next blog posts, you will learn 6 different strategies for learning to manage your garden of emotions.

• Sow Your Seeds
• Weed the Myths
• Check the Soil
• Stop the Cycle
• Trouble Shooting
• Fertilize with ABC

Each of these strategies will help nurture your emotional flowers. But first, we’ll need to start with planting the garden!

I would like to introduce a thinking skill that is very simple to learn and use.

I call this skill Dialectical Synonyms, or DS for short.

If you remember from English class, synonyms are two words that have very similar denotations, but sometimes have completely different connotations. On one hand, the denotation of a word refers to its exact, precise, literal definition. On the other hand, the connotation of a word refers to whether that word sounds more positive or more negative. It is quite possible for two words to have the same exact literal definition, and yet one word sounds positive while another word sounds negative. In fact, this happens all the time in the English language. Two synonyms with different connotations provide the perfect opportunity for us to think more flexibly—in our own private thoughts, and also in our interactions with others.

Do you remember the negativity bias that we talked about in this blog post? If you recall, the negativity bias basically means that our brains are hard-wired to perceive (and over-perceive) negative experiences more than positive experiences. The negativity bias is the reason we have all of those ANT’s that we talked about. One way we can notice our own negativity bias is to pay attention to the words we use. If most of the words we think or say have a negative connotation, then maybe our negativity bias is more active than it needs to be. Learning to use more positive synonyms for some of our word choices can be an effective way of quickly adjusting for our negativity bias.

Let’s look at an example to show you what I mean. The words slender and skinny both refer to someone who is thin. Their definitions are virtually identical—they are synonyms. But do you also see how they have completely different connotations? Slender just sounds positive while skinny just sounds negative. Do you see how this nuance allows you to see something from a different perspective, to shift your thinking, and to have a new interpretation?

The English language has hundreds of examples of this pattern. Here are just a few more. Take a look at the following word pairs. Can you figure out which word has a positive connotation and which word has a negative connotation?     

Stingy               Youthful            Obsolete            Determined        Weird                Disciplined

Frugal               Childish             Vintage              Stubborn            Unique              Rigid

And the examples could go on and on. Start paying attention to the words you use to describe yourself and others. Are you using words with a positive connotation or a negative connotation? How does that particular connotation affect your TEA (thoughts, emotions, actions)? How can choosing different words create a completely different TEA?

Do you see how the way we choose to describe someone can make a huge difference in our perceptions and interpretations? The contrast becomes even more stark once we start to string together multiple attributes at once! Take a look at these examples:

1. Ted is an awful businessman. He is so stingy, stubborn, and rigid!

2. Ted is a great businessman. He is so frugal, determined, and disciplined!

1. Sally is a great supervisor. She is so considerate, witty, and unique!

2. Sally is an awful supervisor. She is so nosy, sarcastic, and weird!

In the previous blog post, we learned that certain thoughts can sometimes provoke certain emotions which in turn can sometimes provoke certain actions. That’s why it’s so important to figure out what’s in our TEA! We also learned a variety of automatic negative thoughts or ANT’s. And then we learned how to stomp those ANT’s with three simple questions: Is it logical? Is there evidence? Does it matter?

In this blog post, we are going to learn a simple way to transform those unhealthy thoughts into healthier ones. I call this skill “Working the TOM.” You can execute this skill in three simple steps: Thought, Opposite, Middle. Now do you see where the TOM comes from?

Step 1: Thought

• First, identify one of those pesky ANT’s that you learned in the previous blog post. Let’s assume your thought is: “All guys are predators and only want one thing.”

Step 2: Opposite

• Now let’s identify the exact opposite of that thought: “All males in human history are completely innocent and would never do anything to exploit another human being.”

Step 3: Middle 

• Now let’s identify a thought somewhere in the middle: “Some people are predators but most people are not. The key is to learn which people to trust and which people to avoid.”

Which of those three thoughts is the most accurate? Which thought is the healthiest way to live your life? Even though the first thought may have once seemed accurate based on your own life experiences, is it still the most accurate? Do you see how the first thought will exclude you from healthy relationships with people who really are safe? Do you also see how the opposite thought is naïve and will only set you up for further victimization? Finally, do you see how the middle thought is the best approach to dealing with life and people? Many people call this middle thought the Balanced Response or the Middle Path.

Congratulations! You have just learned how to balance your thinking, which is the entire purpose of this blog post. Balanced thinking means learning to think in the middle, instead of at the extremes. Balanced thinking means learning to see things from new and different perspectives—instead of thinking about things in only one way. Finally, balanced thinking also means that we are flexible in how we think, that we can change our thinking if we learn new evidence, and that we can see things from someone else’s perspective.

Besides “Working the TOM,” here are some more tips for balanced thinking:

• Avoid words like “always” and “never.”
• Practice looking at other points of view.
• Remember that no one has the absolute truth (except God).
• Use “I feel” statements.
• Remind yourself that the only constant is change.
• Accept that different opinions can both be valid.
• Consider that we all have both good and bad qualities.
• Check out your assumptions.
• Do not put words in other people’s mouths.
• Do not expect others to read your mind.
• Think about how everyone is different and what a gift that is.

10 Steps to improve balanced thinking:

 1.    Identify a problem situation.

 2.    Identify your thoughts regarding this situation.

 3.    Identify your emotions about this situation.

 4.    Identify your actions toward this situation.

 5.    Identify any automatic negative thoughts about this situation.

 6.    Identify the exact opposite of your ANT’s.

 7.    Identify a middle thought that is in between your original thought and opposite thought.

 8.    Identify your new emotions about this situation.

 9.    Identify your new actions toward this situation.

10.    Ask yourself: Is your new way of dealing with the situation better than the original one?